heres the trouble.

Here is the trouble...
It's been almost 10 years since now. Next month is my birthday. Every year or two around this time I start to think about my life and the choices I've made.

When I was 13, I made a decision that changed my life. I was with my family staying on our boat and my mum and dad had gone to the Marina store and bought Gummy Bears and those trolli sour gummy worms. They then proceeded to split the gummies evenly into three piles for me and my two sisters. I remember that day because it was the day I told them I did not want my share of the "Friday treats."
Now, I know that this seems trivial but it wasn't.

From that day on I realized that i got some sort of sense of empowerment from refusing food. The less i ate the better i felt and before i knew it I had shed the few extra pounds of "baby fat" and much more. I thrived off of the new stream of attention I was getting. Every time someone didn't recognize me or told me how thin I looked I was thrilled. It was simple then, just a set of behavior reenforced by a favourable response. I picked up on the difference in the way people were treating me and it became sort of ingrained in my thought process... Thin=beautiful...beautiful=love

Now it is important to disclose that up until this point I had been ostracised by my classmates and after this point everyone wanted to be my friend. As a child its all about acceptance.

I remember the first time I made myself sick. I was 15, my family had just moved across the world and I was at rowing practice on a Saturday morning. We had just done a 2k ergo and ran 5k and because I had worked myself so hard I needed to throw up. I wasn't thinking it would become a regular occurrence... I didn't think much about it at all to be honest.

Later that day we went out to eat and after I had finished eating I thought, "well, now I can do this....why not$?" Over the years turned that "why not?" has turned into somewhat of a compulsion. I am completely powerless and I feel completely hopeless.

Man on Man on Boy on Hot Air Balloon Action...

My boyfriend is wonderful. Truly... not just tall dark and handsome but intelligent, funny, successful... the list goes on. I still cant help wishing sometimes I could combine him with a few other people... Maybe get them all to stand in different corners of a room and run at each other to cause a giant explosion that resulted in a hybrid perfect person.

Is that bad?

I love him, but if I could... I would change a few things. I hate that he is jealous, and I hate that he actually thinks that he can tell me how much time is acceptable to spend with my male friends. I hate that he cheated on me and I forgave him and he doesn't understand how much it hurt me. I hate that he doesn't see how his actions have led me to doubt myself in some ways and I hate that he makes me feel crazy. I hate that his x wife is such a bitch and I hate that his friends are fucking dicks. I hate that hes jaded and cynical when I haven't yet experienced marriage or children and I want to remain naively idealistic. I hate that everyone jumps to conclusions about what it means for me to be 22 and dating a 35 year old.. and I hate that one of his friends had the audacity to inform me he has a prenup saved on his lap top. I hate that I'm lonely.

You ever drink Bailey's from a shoe?

It seems I am odds with everything at the moment... I don't know what I want and even if I did I wouldn't have the slightest idea how to go about getting it. I feel lost but perhaps naively hopeful. My life so far has been a comedy of errors. Never funny at the time but in retrospect the sheer absurdity of so much that has happened is nothing short of hilarious.

I was born in England October 13th 1986 but moved to America was I was young. My parents (both English) are remarkable people...odd or perhaps more accurately unusual, but remarkable never the less. I have two sisters...I'm not feeling creative...so I'll make up names for them later.

I am the oldest...the "Guinea pig" child for all intents and purposes and my mother put tremendous effort into my becoming a well rounded and balanced individual. Of course being that most parents didn't think listening to NPR and books on tape or eating organic were essential to the well being of their children... I was different and therefore not particularly well adjusted or balanced at all...

On Andrew Bird’s 2009 Release; Noble Beast

Andrew Bird’s 2009 Release; Noble Beast

A wondrous quality of music is its unique propensity to capture and communicate a range of emotions by simply stringing together notes and words. Great music can capture these emotions so perfectly that when you listen to a song, you can’t help but imagine it was written specifically for your ears, to be heard at the exact moment you discover it. These are the songs that you accidentally find when you set your IPod to shuffle on a long plane ride; the songs that perfectly describe the way you are feeling and that for some reason possess you to switch your IPod from shuffle to repeat. Perhaps the reason these songs are so comforting is that in what seems like just a serendipitous discovery of meaning (which is in and of itself remarkable) you have also found evidence that someone else has felt what you are feeling before and regarded it as important enough to write a song about. This reminds us we are never alone and legitimizes emotions that may have been subject to self doubt.
There are few things that compare to the feeling one experiences upon hearing music that perfectly captures life’s moments in song. The recently released album, “Noble Beast” by Andrew Bird seems to have no shortage of tunes that appeal to the soul. Unlike so many of the vacuous over produced pseudo indie rock meets rjd2 bands that are currently so popular, Bird is evidence that one does not need catchy unintelligent lyrics and a voice distorter to be a significant player in the contemporary music industry. “Noble Beast” provides somewhat of a different listening experience. As a remarkably gifted songwriter as well as a classically trained violinist, a skilled jazz musician, an enchanting vocalist and an absurdly talented… whistler; Bird has created something truly wonderful.
The album has a sort of “otherworldliness” to it, that is, upon listening one might find oneself lost in an alternate reality. The track “Anonanimal” is a perfect example of this: Bird ditches the bow to start the song out with a percussive like pizzicato violin introduction that seems to simulate rain, starting off slow and quickening with increasing intensity. The addition of guitar follows as well as more violins that seem to emulate the ocean. Bird starts singing, some hand claps are added, then some eery noises reminiscent of whales calling (violin). The melody shifts and a full percussion section is added on top of all that and before you know it, you feel like you are in the midst of a rather intense but beautiful rainstorm in the middle of the ocean. It may seem far fetched to suggest that a song can take you on a journey from one place to another in your imagination; however Bird’s tracks do have the ability to sweep you up and transport your mind. The music is just plain interesting and comes awfully and wonderfully close to having formed its own genre. Warning: this album is a distraction, set some time aside and just listen.
With out words the record would still be an incredible listening experience; however, it is not simply an instrumental composition. Andrew Bird’s music is characterized by very honest, reflective and clever lyrics; he is a true wordsmith. The aforementioned song Anonanimal is a yet another shining example of this. The song opens with the lines “see-a-sea-anemone/The enemy/See-a-sea-anemone/And that'll be the end of me.” The words seem to flow together but at the same time the shared accented syllable in each word creates a separate complimentary beat. The next lines “While the vicious fish /was caught unawares/in the tenderest of tendrils/Underneath her tender gills” suggest that Bird is singing from the perspective of the sea anemones prey with the metaphorical implications that brings with it. “I will become this animal/Perfectly adapted to the music halls/I will become this animal/Anomalous appendages/A non-animal” seems to be the acknowledgement of the need for caution and the ability to adapt in a world where things are not as they seem. The observational qualities of Bird’s lyrics are evident throughout most of the record. They give the distinct sense that Andrew Bird pays attention to the world.
The funky percussive introduction of “Not a Robot, but a Ghost” leads into an eerie surreal creation that makes the hair on your arms stand up. Bird repeats the lines, “I crack the codes/I end the war/We don’t want this anymore/I crack the code/you end the war” several times throughout the song and you can recognize the longing in his voice. If only it were that simple…
Andrew Bird’s music seems to suggest that he sees that there is much wrong with the world and that perhaps something is missing in his life. There is; however, a searching quality in his music that leads the listener to believe that he is realistic but hopeful. The solo violin that introduces the earthy musical journey of the track “Carrion Suite” is so heartbreaking lonely one can’t help but wonder if this is the expression of Bird’s heartbreak and loneliness. The love lorne acoustic tune, “Souverian” seems to confirm this hypothesis with its loved, lost and longing sentiment. The chorus of the track gives the impression that whilst Bird has felt the sting of lost love, he has the emotional wisdom to keep his heart open.
All in all, “Noble Beast” provides insight into many of life’s questions from the perspective of someone who has lived a life where in questioning is paramount to his being. The record inspires listeners to get lost in the music and take time to observe themselves as well as the world around them. Though there will be bumps in the road and difficulties to overcome, it is better to take risks and experience then to feel nothing.

So this is the plan...

In an attempt to provide salvation for my friends, family and boyfriend I have to decided to write a blog...

Instead of providing the people I love with constant and detailed accounts of everything that's going on in my somewhat unusual life; I will write about it here and send it off into space with the hope that it will be therapeutic and allow me to function more like a human and less like a tornado.

In order to be completely honest with both myself and "space" , I am going to change all of the names and some of the facts... It's just better this way, as I will be able to speak freely without worrying about who will be reading. Hey... I can't help what I feel.... There's no use in hurting someone for no reason because I happen to be in a bad mood.

So that's it.... that's the plan...